Might my manager be gaslighting me?
How To Recognize When It Is Not You
Start by trusing yourself. If you're seeing or feeling signs of gaslighting (e.g., being made to feel like you're "too sensitive," constantly second-guessing yourself, or getting conflicting messages), you most likely are.
Gaslighting can be subtle, and its impact accumulates over time. Here are some signs that may indicate you're experiencing it:
You Frequently Second-Guess Yourself
You start questioning whether your memory of events is accurate or if you misunderstood basic instructions or conversations.
You Feel Confused or "Off" Around the Person
After interactions, you often feel disoriented, emotionally drained, or unsure of what just happened—but can't quite put your finger on why.
You're Always Apologizing
Even when things aren't your fault, you feel compelled to apologize, as if you're always in the wrong.
You Feel Isolated or Unsupported
You begin to doubt your relationships with coworkers or feel excluded without explanation.
Your Confidence Has Declined
Tasks you once did well now make you anxious or hesitant because you've started believing you're not capable.
You Notice a Pattern of Mixed Messages
You receive praise in public and criticism in private, or expectations are set and then suddenly changed.
If you notice several of these patterns, it may be worth investigating further to determine whether you are being gaslighted.
How Gaslighting Can Affect Employees Emotionally
Being gaslighted at work can cause significant emotional and psychological distress, even if the employee can't immediately pinpoint what's wrong. Over time, the effects can be damaging:
Self-Doubt
You may begin to second-guess their decisions, skills, and even their memories—leading to a loss of confidence in their abilities.
Chronic Anxiety
Unpredictable feedback or conflicting messages can create ongoing tension, making you feel like you are always walking on eggshells.
Isolation
Gaslighting often includes subtle exclusion or the erosion of workplace relationships, which can make you feel lonely or alienated.
Decreased Job Performance
When you are constantly undermined or invalidated, it becomes harder to focus, be creative, or feel motivated.
Emotional Exhaustion or Burnout
The constant emotional labor of managing confusion, frustration, or fear can lead to you experiencing very serious fatigue and mental health concerns.
Shame and Guilt
You may internalize the blame or believe they're the problem, especially if they've been repeatedly told they're "too sensitive" or "not a team player."
Tolerating gaslighting in the workplace can gradually erode an employee's confidence, distort their sense of reality, and lead to long-term emotional harm. Over time, it can affect decision-making, job performance, and mental health, making it harder for them to trust others or themselves. Allowing it to continue damages the individual and enables a toxic culture that discourages transparency, accountability, and psychological safety.
Examples of Workplace Gaslighting
Rewriting History
"I never said that," even when you have emails or notes proving otherwise. The manager denies past conversations to avoid accountability or confuse the employee.
Withholding Information
Deliberately leaving you out of important meetings or emails, then blaming you for not knowing something ever told to you.
Shifting Expectations
Regularly changing goals or standards without informing you, then criticizing you for not meeting expectations.
Public Praise, Private Criticism
Complimenting you in front of others while undermining or belittling you in one-on-ones creates confusion and emotional whiplash.
Isolating the Employee
Subtly encouraging teammates to exclude you or spreading doubt about your competence, reliability, or attitude, making you question their standing or relationships at work.
Invalidating Concerns
When the employee raises issues, the manager responds with, "You're overreacting," "You're imagining things," or "Everyone else seems fine."
Acknowledging gaslighting can be incredibly difficult and often feels embarrassing to the person experiencing it.
Many employees internalize the blame, wondering if they're being "too sensitive" or overreacting. Because gaslighting is designed to create confusion and self-doubt, it can be hard to trust one's instincts. Admitting to being manipulated may also feel like a personal failure, especially for high performers who pride themselves on being competent and in control. This shame can keep employees silent, even as the damage builds.
What Employees Can Do if They Suspect Gaslighting
Recognizing gaslighting is the first step; the second step is speaking to your HR team. In the event you are not comfortable with HR, knowing how to respond can protect your confidence and career. Here are some practical actions an employee can take:
Document Everything
Keep a written record of conversations, instructions, and incidents. Save emails, messages, or meeting notes that may later help clarify what actually happened. Stick to facts, dates, and neutral language.
Trust Your Perception
If something feels consistently off, don't ignore that instinct. Gaslighting works by making you doubt yourself. Remind yourself that your experiences and reactions are valid.
Set Boundaries
If a manager frequently undermines or manipulates you, please be sure to push back whenever appropriate. For example, clarify instructions in writing or confirm decisions via follow-up emails.
Seek Support
Talk to a trusted colleague, mentor, or mental health professional. External perspectives can validate your experience and help you feel less isolated.
Escalate Strategically
If the behavior continues and affects your ability to work, you really need to speak to HR. It would be best to bring documentation and stay focused on how the behavior impacts your role rather than labeling the person directly.
Know When to Walk Away
If the organization enables or ignores this behavior, your well-being might require a change. Leaving a toxic environment isn't a failure; it's self-preservation.
Am I a failure?
That is such an important and deeply human question—especially when you've been mistreated, manipulated, or pushed out of a role by someone in power.
Here's a thoughtful response you could include or reflect on:
Not feeling like you failed starts with redefining what failure really means.
You didn't fail because someone mistreated you; you endured because you tried to do your job with integrity.”
You navigated an unfair dynamic that was designed to confuse, control, or diminish you.
That's not failure; that's resilience.
The failure belongs to the person who chose to lead through manipulation instead of support, and to any system that allowed it. Holding on to your self-worth means remembering that walking away from a toxic environment is not quitting; it's choosing yourself. And that's a strength, not a shortcoming.
How do I recover my confidence?
Rebuilding confidence after being gaslighted takes time and care, and it’s entirely possible. Here are some meaningful methods to help you reclaim your sense of self and inner strength:
Affirm Your Reality
You can start by reminding yourself: “Your feelings and experiences are valid.” Journaling can help anchor your perspective—write down what happened, how it made you feel, and what you know to be true.
Name What Happened
Calling it what it is, gaslighting helps break its power. Understanding that it was a manipulation tactic, not a personal failure, is the first step toward healing.
Reconnect With Your Strengths
Reflect on past successes, strengths, and skills. Make a list. Revisit positive feedback from trusted colleagues or mentors. This will help you shift your focus from self-doubt to self-worth.
Set Healthy Boundaries
Establish limits on how others can speak to or treat you moving forward. This is not just protective; it’s empowering.
Surround Yourself With Supportive People
Spend time with people who make you feel heard, seen, and respected. Their affirmation can help restore trust in your judgment.
Rebuild Decision-Making Confidence
Practice making small decisions without second-guessing. Trust your gut again. Confidence grows through action.
Consider Professional Support
Working with a therapist or coach, especially someone experienced in emotional abuse or workplace trauma, can provide tools and validation tailored to your healing process.
Give Yourself Time and Grace
Gaslighting wears down your inner foundation. Rebuilding takes patience. Celebrate small wins, and don’t rush the process.
Always keep at the top of your mind and heart: You are not broken—you were manipulated, and there’s a big difference. Reclaiming your truth is a powerful act of resilience. With every step you take to trust yourself again, you’re not just healing—you’re rising and growing.
Why might a manager gaslight an employee?
Clients who bring this issue to me often ask, "Why does he or she do this to me?"
I'm not a mental health professional, but I do have personal experience working with and being managed by bullies. From my perspective, someone who feels the need to gaslight is engaging in a form of bullying.
While traditional bullying is often loud and overt, gaslighting is a quieter, more calculated form of psychological manipulation, but it's no less harmful. Both are rooted in insecurity and a desire for control at someone else's expense. They rely on power, intimidation, and emotional manipulation to assert dominance. In this light, a manager might gaslight an employee for many reasons, none of them ethical or professional. Regardless, when it happens in a workplace, it's especially toxic.
Here are some common (but unhealthy) motivations behind it:
To Avoid Accountability
The manager might deflect blame for their own mistakes by convincing the employee they misunderstood instructions or didn't follow through, even when they did.
To Maintain Power or Control
By undermining an employee's confidence, the manager may feel more dominant or in control. It can be used to keep the employee from challenging authority or speaking up.
To Undermine or Push Someone Out
If the manager wants the employee gone (but can't justify it objectively), gaslighting might be used to make them seem incompetent or to pressure them into quitting.
Insecurity or Incompetence
Some managers who feel insecure in their roles might gaslight high-performing employees to protect their position or avoid being overshadowed.
Lack of Emotional Intelligence or Awareness
In some cases, the gaslighting isn't intentional—it's the result of poor communication, unconscious bias, or an inability to lead effectively. It's still harmful but less calculated.
In Closing
No employee deserves to be gaslighted ever.
It does not reflect your worth, competence, or professionalism. Even when a manager's behavior stems from insecurity, stress, or poor leadership skills, it doesn't justify manipulation or mistreatment. You should never feel obligated to make excuses for a boss who consistently distorts reality, avoids accountability, or chips away at your confidence. A healthy workplace is built on trust, respect, and psychological safety, and anyone should not tolerate anything less. Nor should you.
“The moment you stop accepting someone else’s distortion of your truth is the moment you reclaim your power.” – Mary Patry
Reclaim your power. No one has the right to take it from you.
Remember, I am here for you.
Warm Regards
Mary