Life Happens...and then I learn.

"All my greatest lessons were learned from facing my greatest challenges." Mary Patry

Over this past New Year's weekend, I reposted content shared by a couple of LinkedIn colleagues that resonated with me more than I ever would have imagined. If you missed the post here, it is in a semi-corrected summary form. I say semi-corrected because the original posts attributed the essay to Anthony Hopkins, but Brianna Wiest wrote it. Unfortunately, I've not figured out how to remove Sir Hopkins's photo without deleting and reposting it. There are too many great comments to leave me comfortable with that tactic. If you want to be as inspired as I was, here is the link to Ms Weist's essay.

This Year, Let Go Of The People Who Aren't Ready To Love You | Thought Catalog

The essence of this Ms Weist's essay is simple and profound. In her essay, she tells us that one should let go of people who are not ready to love them. The author emphasizes the importance of not wasting time, energy, and mental and physical health on individuals who do not appreciate their presence. They stress the significance of fighting for a life filled with joy, interest, and commitment, even if not everyone is willing to follow them to that place. The essay emphasizes that it is not necessary to change who one is but to let go of those who are not ready to be with them. The author highlights that it is not beneficial to continue offering time and energy to those who exclude, insult, forget, or ignore the individual. The essay also asserts that not everyone will be compatible and that finding true friendships and love is extraordinary. The author encourages protecting one's energy and making life a safe haven for compatible people. Furthermore, they emphasize that it is not one's responsibility to save or convince others but to prioritize their well-being and surround themselves with healthy and prosperous people. Distance from toxic individuals is seen as a decision leading to the love, esteem, happiness, and protection an individual deserves.

Overall, Ms Weist's essay gives us a pretty awesome message that knocked on my door at the right moment. I felt so strongly about it that I shared it to my social media networks across LinkedIn, Facebook, and Instagram (I abandoned "X," formerly known as Twitter, many months ago.)  It appears Ms Weist's message resonated with many as over 20,000 people read it, hundreds commented, and reshared it within a couple of days.

The level of attention reminded me of another recurring message the resonated as strongly with me in the past. "I Have Learned" has shown up on the internet many times over the last 20 years under many versions attributed to various authors.

The first time I was exposed to it was in April 1999. A very long poem, "I Have Learned," was printed on a couple of sheets of paper found in my then recently departed husband, Tony Leonardo, a file folder of personal inspirational poems. My head was not on straight at the time, and I could not yet absorb the meaning of this poem, much less read it without a flood of tears. I recently rediscovered the file folder. I am finding it again opened the door to contemplating my life lessons and sparked by having turned 70 at the end of September and my curiosity about the author.

My search led me to a short article attributing the poem to Kathy Kane Hansen. I could not find any solid information on the author other than it was written around 1971. My continued search to learn more about Ms. Hansen, her purpose in sharing her lessons learned, and what she might be doing today hit a brick wall.

Nevertheless, I continually reflect on how these "I Have Learned" lessons apply to my life, encouraging me to journal my thoughts. Without a doubt, all of my greatest lessons were learned from my greatest challenges. I am inspired to share the poem and my reflections in memory of everyone who influenced me, including Tony, my parents, my brothers and other loved ones no longer with me. 

"I Have Learned"

by Kathy Kane Hansen 1971 

And… my own lessons learned 2023

I've learned - that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

And I've learned - that I must love myself first to be open to love and that love from others is a gift, not an entitlement. 

I've learned - that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

And I've learned – that my caring for others is not a reciprocal state but one from my heart.

I've learned - that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

And I've learned - that my integrity is too precious to compromise for any reason.  

I've learned - that it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.  

And I've learned – material belongings are just things; people are what matter most.

I've learned - that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.

And I've learned – that charm is fleeting; substance survives all challenges and circumstances.

I've learned - that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do. But do the best you can do.

And I've learned – that seeking to be the best me is far more rewarding than worrying about how I compare to others. 

I've learned - that it's not what happens to people that's important. It's what they do about it.  

And I've learned – shit happens. My ability to pick myself back up is all that matters. 

I've learned - that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.   

And I've learned – to take a breath, ask clarifying questions, and count to 5 before putting my foot in my mouth.

I've learned - that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.

And I've learned – not to fall prey to the stories people tell themselves as well as those I tell myself. 

I've learned - that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.  

And I've learned – I am a work in progress, living a life of trial and error to become my better self. 

I've learned - that it's a lot easier to react than it is to think.       

And I've learned – sometimes it is okay to do nothing.

I've learned - that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

And I've learned – the hard way that each goodbye or good night might be your last. Don't waste them.

I've learned - that you can keep going long after you think you can't.   

And I've learned - that I am much more resilient than I realize.

I've learned - that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

And I've learned - that we cannot blame others for our decisions and actions. The buck stops here.

I've learned - that either you control your attitude, or it controls you.  

And I've learned – no good comes when I have a terrible attitude and go to a dark place. 

I've learned - that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades and there had better be something else to take its place.

And I've learned – that friendship and laughter are the foundation of long-term passionate relationships. 

I've learned - that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.   

And I've learned – there are few true heroes in the world. Those who have performed heroic acts were open to stepping up with courage at the time.

I've learned - that learning to forgive takes practice       

And I've learned – forgiveness is my best policy.

I've learned - that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.

And I've learned – that people often show their love for you in other ways, in addition to flowers and I love you.

I've learned - that money is a lousy way of keeping score.         

And I've learned - that money is a lousy indicator of success.

I've learned - that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.

And I've learned - that my best friend and I do not need anything to have the best time together.

I've learned - that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.          

And I've learned - that sometimes people will surprise you when you least expect their kindness and consideration. 

I've learned - that sometimes when I'm angry, I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.      

And I've learned – that there will be times when I am angry and reflecting that anger onto others is not good for anyone, including me.

I've learned - that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.       

And I've learned - that true friendships last no matter where you go in the world. It only takes a phone call or facetime to reconnect.

I've learned - that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.   

And I've learned – that my expectations for love may not match those whom I love. It is okay if we both know what to expect.

I've learned - that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.         

And I've learned – there is a difference between my age and the wisdom of maturity. My graying hair and wrinkles do not define me. I am the sum of my experience.

I've learned - that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish. Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.   

And I've learned – I benefit from allowing myself the freedom of childlike hopes and dreams. My world would be very gray without rainbows. I would not expect any less from a child.

I've learned - that your family won't always be there for you. It may seem funny, but people you aren't related to can take care of you and love you and teach you to trust people again. Families aren't biological.     

And I've learned - that my family won't always be there for me, and I cannot expect them to be. My chosen family of friends has taught me to trust people; they know they can trust me. I know families do not need to be biological.

I've learned - that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.      

And I've learned – that I've made mistakes, and others have too. I choose to forgive, hoping they will also decide to forgive me. 

I've learned - that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.       

And I've learned – I find it easier to forgive others over myself. I must continue to work on being kinder to myself.

I've learned - that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

And I've learned – that I won't die from a broken heart even when I feel I will. I know I will grow from it.

I've learned - that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.  

And I've learned – my early life experiences sucked and were not my fault. I do not wish they were different as they helped shape who I am.

I've learned - that sometimes when my friends fight, I'm forced to choose sides even when I don't want to.       

And I've learned – to distance myself from friends in a fight as I want to be there for both of them when it is over.

I've learned - that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.        

And I've learned – that arguments do not define my love for you and that making up is so sweet. I've also known that not arguing means I don't care enough to bother.

I've learned - that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions.  

And I've learned that caring for you is more important than the outcome.

I've learned - that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.    

And I've learned – my friends grow, and I grow. It is delightful when we find we have landed at the same place.  

I've learned - that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

And I've learned – that not all secrets need to be known. Some are better left buried.

I've learned - that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.            

And I've learned – that perspectives are in the eye of the beholder, and we can learn from our differences.

I've learned - that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.       

And I've learned – that to expect to protect my kids from all harm does more harm than good. I've am always ready to catch them when they fall.

I've learned - that there are many ways of falling and staying in love.   

And I've learned – that love comes and stays with me when my heart is open with realistic eyes and the mind to remember why.

I've learned - that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.

And I've learned that lying to myself is the worst form of dishonesty and will only come back to bite me. Don't.

I've learned - that no matter how many friends you have if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most.      

And I've learned – that if I am always the pillar, they aren't my friend and that I need to be open to people who can be there for me, too.

I've learned - that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.            

And I've learned – that when I pay attention, I am often surprised by how good people are when I allow them to be.

I've learned - that even when you think you have no more to give when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.          

And I've learned – that I can find a reserve I did not know I had when someone I care about needs me. I am resourceful, especially when I am needed.

I've learned - that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains.           

And I've learned - that when I journal, I have the best conversations with myself.

I've learned - that the paradigm we live in is not all that is offered to us.          

And I've learned - that I am more than my paradigm, and I don't let it rule me.

I've learned - that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.   

And I've learned – that I am a decent human without needing alphabets behind my name.  

I've learned - that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.         

And I've learned – life is too short no matter how long my loved ones live. Enjoy each other today.

I've learned - that although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.  

And I've learned – when I say I love you too often, I am desperate to convince my heart that it feels something I think it should. I've been there - have you?

I've learned - that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

And I've learned – that I will always stand up for what I believe and must use decorum and politeness while maintaining that stance. Integrity and kindness are not divisive.  

I invite my readers and followers to reflect on their life lessons. I trust that you will be amazed at the wisdom you've accumulated along the way. I created a tool to support you on this journey to make it easier. Link: I Have Learned Worksheet

Until next week, I wish you a great start to the New Year!

Warm Regards, Mary